“Thank You”

Friends.
Friends have been a big part of my life since third grade, when my sister–who was basically my emotional support–left for college.
The funny thing about friends is that I’ve never kept them for very long. I have a pretty bad track record when it comes to friends actually; rarely do I keep them for more than one school year.
However, I have one group of friends that, while I’ve only kept one year (so far!), I know will last longer than that.
My friends are a collection of band-enthusiasts, fellow therapist-goers, and fan girls; honestly, sometimes they’re my favorite people.
The first friend to talk about is Jonah.
Last year, I dealt with some symptoms of depression. I felt like my problems were unsolvable, my life was unlivable, and I was unlovable. But Jonah texted me every night, just to make sure that I would never have to go to sleep that sad again–and even a year after I started feelings genuinely happy again; I still cannot fall asleep without at least texting him a ‘Good Night.’
It only took one or two weeks of his unwavering and dedicated texts to start to comfort me–something that still boggles my mind!
Due to anxiety, I still have barely spoken to this miracle freind in real life. However, one day I hope we’re the kind of friends that are still texting all night in college; because sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re important enough to be someone’s last thought before they end the day.
Jonah has gone through heat with his girlfriend for me. He’s listened to a lot of rambling and ranting. The best thing, though? He’s given me advice–not sugar coated or with a tissue–but the cold hard truth of things when I need it. He never disregards my feelings, though. And that’s the main reason I love being his friend.
I also have Sarah.
Sarbear. Bud. Best friend.
But Sarah wasn’t really my best friend until later in the year last year. It was one of those situations where one day they’re a stranger, and the next day they’re your number one.
Sarah helped me this summer; my anxiety became severe, and I thought that maybe it was stronger than me. But Sarah did what she does best: she gave me the brutally honest comment of “Bruh, you’re an idiot,” and began to help me stitch all of the pieces of my life back into a quilt. The patches of my life were arranged differently, but the result was better than the original.
Sarah’s also helped tremendously this year. In just about two full months of school, I’ve been through a lot. Some days are better than others, but I always know that Sarah is on my side whether she admits it or not. And knowing how much we tease each other, “not” is probably the better choice.
The last friend to talk about is Ashley. Ashley and I met through a friend group and found that though we may be very different people, we get along great. Ash and I haven’t gotten a ton of time together yet; but just one thing I love about her is that she’s so accepting of everything: race, religion, opinion–she will accept it all. And in a world with so many people who won’t, that’s refreshing.
Ashley and I have been enjoying study hall together, and it was during this bell that I finally realized just how lucky I am.
“What are we doing for homecoming?” I asked with a bored sigh. I knew Ashley wasn’t going with our group, and I had a ton of friends I could arrange to go with; but somehow I still managed to stall off making a decision and complain about something that wasn’t really a problem.
“I don’t know. I think Jonah’s going with Caileigh. I don’t even think Sarah’s going and…,” She paused to adjust the hair-band in her hair, but all I can hear is the pause for dramatic effect, “I thought you were asking Ben?”
I laugh, because Ben doesn’t go to our school, and I don’t think I can get a request for a guest ticket in before the deadline. I remember grumbling under my breath about my ‘lack of friends’ and how ‘no one wanted to go with me.’ Neither of which were true, but for some reason I was in a mood.
When I caught up with Sarah later that day, she gave me a concerned look.
“You okay? Ashley said you were having a rough day.” I was about to answer with a complaint. I don’t know what it was about that day–maybe I didn’t drink enough coffee.
As I looked into Sarah’s eyes, I knew I had nothing to complain about. A year ago, going to homecoming with a group of friends was almost too crazy to fathom. This year, I was looking into the eyes of a girl that would go to the counselor and pretend to be concerned about something she didn’t care much about for me–because I was too anxious to go alone.
“Nevermind.” I shook my head, finally realizing just how lucky I was to have been given these people.
I’d ask God–but, you know, my friends accept me despite my lack of belief. So, superior and unworldly being? You listening?
All of my friends may have done something stupid in your eyes–but in mine they shaped my life to be better than I could’ve made it myself. Maybe sending a couple text messages or talking to me a few times doesn’t seem like much to you, but for me–who’s seen what they’re going through–I know they deserve more appreciation than I can give them. Maybe I should start by saying,
“Thank you.”

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My Sister Steals my Stuff and other reasons I’m pissed.

My older sister is pretty much my idol. Forgot God, Buddha, Santa: I’ve got my sister. So any hand-me-downs are like Christmas presents, I cherish them lovingly. But, unfortuantely, I have another little sister whose gotten to the ages when she knows just what sets me off.

Previously, I had no perfume. My sister gave me a box of it, I fell in love, my little sister noticed. Now, my little sister has a lot more perfume than I do, and usually better scents anyway. But, since my sister was little, she’s done exactly what will make me the most angry.

My sisters get along, but because they’re so far apart (14 years) sometimes I feel like they hardly know each other. Most days, to be frank, I get along with my sister Laura Beth better than Grace does.

Because she’s a young adult and I’m a teenager and we relate.

Grace has never really cherished what LB gives her as hand-me-downs, and previously she didn’t care about mine. But this week she saw me really loving the perfumes and stole all of them, hidden in a secret location I’ll never find.

So yeah I wanted to tell you that and also ask for comments, I’d love some ideas on what to do (without bringing this to my parents who will most certainly let her keep them.) I’m open to sharing with her I just need ideas on talking to her and/or finding them.

Opinion: Sit Back, Relax, and Shut the Heck Up

As humans, we are a social creature. We converse all day, almost every day. We don’t always get a lot of time to be by ourselves and our thoughts, only.

The time that we do have on our own is spent scrolling mindlessly through social media and watching weird youtube videos.

Sometimes, I think that our lack of time connecting with ourselves is hurting us. People used to have lots of time by themselves to think. Maybe they were doing chores or work whilst thinking, but the point is they were thinking.

I’m not quite sure where this post is going, but maybe that’s okay.

At least I’m here thinking about myself and the choices I’ve made, I’m thinking. No one else seems to be thinking about themselves.

I have to wonder, if they were: would they still be making the decisions they are. I’m not saying I’m making perfect decisions. I fudge things up often, :P.

What I mean is, I’m always thinking about my decisions and how they could affect me … are you?

Opinion: Clothes Express my Personality when Words can’t

Hi. Guys.

Lately, it’s become increasingly harder to talk to you. There aren’t many of you that read this, but every like reminds me that this content is actually reaching people. I have a hard time thinking of things that you guys won’t think is stupid. And then, today, I realized that even if you guys are looking for content related to your life, it will only be genuine if it comes from someone who actually wants to write about their topic.

No offense, but I’m not really writing this for you, but for me. As a way to express myself to other people without an anxiety attack.

So, Hi. Guys.

Many of you guys who know me, may also know that I really like clothes. I like the trends, I like the shopping, I like swapping my personality as I put on a new outfit. I think that’s why my closet is so expansive. Some of it is my bookworm/professional looking outfits, some of it is super flashy and bold and different, and then the rest is just average clothes.

My sister recently remarked that she isn’t sure who I’m going to be everyday. She told me that some days I’m one version of Felicity–the bold one–which my sister has affectionately nicknamed Felicia.

Felicia is the one who ordered my new holographic book bag; she loves holo-anything. Felicia is the one who begged for those shockingly bright purple Doc Martens. Felicia likes chunky necklaces, along with other statement pieces.

Then, she says, there is Frank. She’s more likely to crawl in a hole than dawn previously mentioned holographic book bag. She likes over sized flannels, sweaters over oxford shirts, bookworm over bold. She likes shopping in the boys clearance section.

And without further ado, Felicity in the flesh. She’s a wild mix of everything. Maybe that’s why I like rainbows so much: a rainbow is so wide it’s practically universal, and every mood or color you could think of is found somewhere in it.

Recently, I found the Wish app. I love it, 10/10,  but that’s not really why I’m blogging. I’m blogging because others don’t get me. Others choose only to see Felicia, or meet me on a Frank sort of day. They expect me only and always to be that one person.

Most of the reason there are so many people is my anxiety. Felicia is anxious-less, Frank is anxious-crazed, and I fall somewhere between those every day–but it’s different every day.

What I’m saying isn’t that I have some sort of identity disorder, it’s that I see the different filters. I see the different personalities inside of people, while others’ sight seems so unitary. I’m universal.

And, when I can’t find the words–I mean I obviously can’t, you see how terrible this is– I use my clothes.

It is my popular belief that clothes are an extension of our personality.

Opinion: When Someone has to Step in

Even though I am a strong and proud member of the Logang, I still keep up on the news of Jake Paul. Recently, he’s been in the news for terrorizing his neighbors.

What I mean by that is not that he’s chasing them down with axes, but that his living there is disrupting the people near him who are just trying to live their lives.

This is close to me, literally, because I’m currently 20 minutes away from the Team 10 house.

He frequently has fans standing outside his house, waiting for him to make an appearance. His brother, Logan, likes to drive down the street and shoot Tee shirts out to the crowd.

If that wasn’t annoying enough, take his stunts for example. He recently emptied his pool to light multiple items, including a mattress, on fire. One neighbor said that the flames were at one point higher than the house.

Inside of this house live all members of Jake and his crew, Team 10. This includes, Tessa Brooks, Kade Speiser, Nick Crompton, Anthony Trujillo, Chance Sutton, Aj Mitchell, Chad Tepper, Tristan Tales, Emilio Martinez, and more.

Not all of these people live in this house, and they’re all different from the original team. Due to one reason or another, they’ve all left, leaving his team to completely change.

Even though these are super popular celebrities, that doesn’t mean they deserve to terrorize the neighborhood. Celebrities don’t live in normal neighborhoods for a reason, it makes it impossible for others to live normally.

So, while I am a fan of Jake Paul, I think enough is enough; he has gone too far.

Jake Paul and his brother, Logan, have ongoing prank wars, and don’t take good care of their stuff. Logan frequently breaks plates anywhere and everywhere he is, bt that isn’t the extent of what he does. He spray painted Jake’s garage door, not that Jake cares much.

Jake has spent most of his time in the Team 10 house destroying it. Whether he’s playing 20 foot tall Jenga or setting his pool on fire, he frequently does dangerous and damaging stunts.

And when reporters came to ask him about all of this, he jumped onto their news van, along with dabbing and running away from the camera.

Overall, Jake needs to learn to grow up. This is an adult’s world. He can still do pranks and stunts, but he needs to learn to do things safely and without interfering with other’s lives.

Personal Essay: My Sister

My sister. Her name is Laura Beth. She’s blonde, 25, and recently married.

We’re so similar. We both like Harry Potter, reading, and goofing off.

We’re so different. I want to work in the film industry, she is a nurse. I want four kids, she has been scared off of kids by helping to raise me and my younger sister, Grace. I’m a goofy goober, but she’s the goofiest.

When I was only eight years old, she left. With such a large age gap, I thought the wsa the bee’s knees. When she went to homecoming I cried because I couldn’t go too. I would follow her friends around and bug them. When she played clarinet, I wanted to too.

And, when she left for college, I was depressed for three months. Three months! I went from the girl who was always loud to the girl who never talked. I didn’t know what college was, but I knew I wanted to be there, too.

Because of LB, I read Harry Potter, which was the first book I ever read willingly. It’s the reason I’ve found my passion in writing and creating, and it’s made me a better person.

Because of LB, I made my dream college as a kid OSU. Even though I probably won’t go there–since I’ve never heard anything about them having a major in filming–I learned to dream big and set my goals higher than I think I can achieve.

Because of LB, I’ve learned that who I am is a great person. Even when my mom and dad are being hard on me, I have someone who has been through it and can relate–because most people don’t really get what it is like to grow up in the house that I have.

And most of all, because of LB, I’ve learned to appreciate family. If she hadn’t left when I was so little, I would’ve never realized that my time here is limited and I should remember that.

I’d love to write forever, but it’s 9:36 and I should probably get my life going. I hope you see how important my sister is to me, because I’m sure it will make you think of someone close to you.

Opinion: My Very Own Letter Correspondence

Do your parents ever talk about how they sent love notes back and forth? Do they have boxes full of them that they still occasionally pull out and read; even if they’re from/to somebody else.

Mine do. They talk about them a lot. So when I started to like a guy, let’s call him Geoff, I thought about how we could talk. See, both of us have traveled a lot this summer, and by the time I’m flying in at 6:30am, he’s arriving in New York at 8:30.

Texting isn’t a great option. He has an iphone 4s that’s struggling to stay alive. He doesn’t read his texts much anyways, so it was time to look for the better option.

NOw, disclaimer: In no way am I in love with this boy. I’m a realist. So when I sent the letter, it wasn’t really a love letter.

We have an ongoing joke about the “hip and cool kids”, so I sent Goeff a letter about “being with all the hip and cool kids, but missing the hippest and coolest.” I added a little 50 cent magnet, and away I went, searching for the nearest post office. It took me three tries to write the address right, but by the time it was on its way I had sent my first letter.

There was the worry that somehow it wouldn’t send and my return address would be used, leaving the only ‘jump off a cliff’, that is, risk, I’ve ever really taken. I have no doubt that they would open it up and read it, I doubted that they’d actually go put it in his mailbox.

So, yeah. I’m not sure where this post was headed. I guess you could say the point is we text because we’re too nervous to be more revealing about our feelings. I think though, you should challenge the norm. You never know. Maybe it will lead to them thinking you’re the hippest and coolest.

Opinion: When it all just Goes to your Head

It’s all just gone to my head. One little thing has happened, and it has me dreaming on red carpets, meeting celebrities, and well, just plain getting out of proportion.

I’m not a huge football person. I enjoy the Superbowl: with the food, friends, and family. I enjoy seeing my dad get all excited about an upcoming game. I enjoy eating crap in the stands and having father-daughter bonding time.

But I don’t really know how football works. I play in my school’s marching band, and I’m so preoccupied by  playing our little tunes and performing our big halftime show, and playing around in our separated stands that typically at the end of the night as I go home: I have no idea who won.

That probably sounds ridiculous. I imagine our school’s newspaper staff–which I am apart of–having its sport editors accidentally coming across this. I see them cringing in horror at my lack of sportiness. Unless you include marching band, which I do. But most don’t.

Today my dad texts me saying that Pendery and Cincinnati Bell are considering filming a commercial in our basement with Andy Dalton and AJ Green. For those of you who don’t know, these are two very famous football player whom my dad idolizes.

It starts with my dad going to an auction while they were redoing the Bengals’ Stadium. In this auction he buys kickass Bengals tables, from the stadium. He sands them, cleans them, and puts a special glaze on them. They then sit in our basement being used but still waiting for their true purpose.

Cincinnati Bell is filming a commercial. They reach out to Pendery (a house company) looking for a good venue. Pendery remembers that we recently had our basement finished and it’s very nice, so they put us into consideration and sends all the options to a guy from Pendery. This guy oversaw the photographing of our basement and remembers our tables. We make it to be one of the final options that they are considering.

Now we wait.

When I first found out, I was ecstatic. This basement is where I had my last birthday party: I had my birthday party in the same room Andy Dalton and AJ Green are shooting a commercial (maybe!)

I’m so excited. I can hardly wait. I’ve spent a lot of time in that basement, and I’m excited for a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Who Dey!

Opinion: Apps can Hurt or Help you, The Choice is Yours.

Some teachers tell us to turn off our phones, turn on ‘do not disturb’, and focus on school. But is that completely necessary?

I’ll open this up with a little story relating to my life, as I often do. I’m looking at my phone now, it rests on the side of my keyboard. It’s an iphone 7, and it has a lifeproof case. The running gag in my family is that it may be lifeproof, but it isn’t Felicity-proof.

Obviously, it has texting and phone calls, settings and news, and all of the basics. Let’s talk about the apps I purchased, though, which will show more about my personality. I have almost every social media platform: instagram, pinterest, snapchat, facebook, twitter, musical.ly, live.ly, Skype, Groupme, The Sims 4 Gallery, … do you get the point? I also have exactly 9 TV apps. All together, they probably have every television show you could name.

I have some games, too. Pokemon Go, Minecraft, Slither.io, a parking game, Make Hexa!, Sims Freeplay, and a TON of solitaire and card games!

I have a whole folder of video editing and effect apps, ones I’ve cultivated over years of downloading every one and only keeping the good options. (BONUS: They’re all free!)

These apps may not tell you much about me, but they will tell you that there’s good reason to put my phone away. Or is there?

Sometimes, there are apps that help you keep your life in control. Stylebook helps me make my closet digital, so I can use bus rides or really any small burst of free time to decide what I wear tomorrow, so I don’t have to spend half an hour in the morning deciding. The time that I gain from this means I can work on my homework in the morning too.

I also use my calendar and reminder apps to organize and remember what I need to do. I still think that physical planners and to do lists work better for me, but others tend to gravitate towards having it digital so it’s always with them.

Next time you are procrastinating, try switching out your app choices for something productive. That way, you can slowly work your way towards not procrastinating. By the time you get there, you’ll practically be God in my eyes :P.

Opinion: Cousins give you the Love Siblings Refuse to

Right now I am in Simi Valley, a 35 minute drive out from Los Angeles. I wrote my last blog on the way flying over here. I have to say, planes may be terrible but they do bring out the productive side in me.

I started this day hunched over my laptop, the words on the screen breathing life into me. My zoom at 150% because I hate having to be so close to the screen to read the words. My music blasting in my headphones, of course from my personal favorite playlist on spotify (creation credits to moi). My mind focusing only on the bright lights on the screen, seeing the words slowly fan themselves out line by line, stretching across the screen.

I was coming to see my cousins, Tessa and Max.

Tessa is going into seventh grade. She is sarcastic, funny–she now looks over my shoulder.

“I am a rebel.” She says. Man, dialogue. I haven’t written any in at least months. I just wanted to try it out. No, I didn’t like it either. Blogs aren’t really the story platform Wattpad is (don’t judge present me for past me’s mistakes.)

Max is going into 11th grade. He is only a few months older than me though, so ha ha we’re the same age but he’s taking harder classes. He’s grumpy. But, when he gets into a conversational mood, I really enjoy talking to him.

Hold up. I was writing this when I stopped to check my groupme and discovered that my sister did a bunch of annoying text replacements as a trick on me.

It’s a good thing that I was in the middle of writing this anti-sister blog.

This one will be quick, but hopefully my opinion will be evident.

Here we go: Cousins. You may not see them as often, but I think the bond of a group of cousins can transcend boundaries like distance.

I’m lucky to be part of two cousin groups. Max and Tessa are on my mom’s side, and I have equally awesome Ethan, Emma, and Lauren on my dad’s side. You will hear about them a lot … they live in Ohio and we see them a little bit more than we do Tessi and Maxi-Poo.

My point of this post is to tell you that you can feel a connection so strong with cousins. It’s the perfect arrangement: You see them too little to be siblings but too much to just be best friends. You’re more than that.

Even when I’m in the Midwestern region and my cousins are on the west coast, a text from them can pick me up from even some of the worst days.

So there you have it … cousins are the love and support system your siblings can’t give you (at least when you’re my age!)